Integrity

I’m writing this one for me. But I hope you enjoy it too! I have group therapy with my mom tonight and I’m anxious as heck, so I am writing this to distract myself.

Integrity is adherence to moral and ethical principles. A soundness of moral character. Honesty.

It’s weird to think about integrity with a personality disorder. Can I have integrity and be the woman who screamed at her fiance that he was a dummy and that listening to Steely Dan is stupid? (Neither of those things are true.)

For some people, particularly those who have grown up in abusive homes, getting angry can cause a dissociative fugue state.

McKay, Wood, & Brantley (2007). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook (p. 192).

I am in no way trying to excuse any of my behaviors, but it is worth noting that I do go into a dissociative fugue state when I am angry. It’s as if my brain shuts off to let the anger take over and when it’s done and I am back in my Wise Mind I have to figure out what I did and said by talking to people.

In the case of my fiance and I, we went fugue together. I shit you not, at one point we were angrily taking IQ tests at each other to prove who was smarter, only to find out at the end of the test that you had to pay for the results. That should have been the time that we realized we were being ridiculous lizard-brained animals and apologized to each other, but it got worse than that, unfortunately. (It is worth noting that he has Bipolar II, childhood trauma, and anger issues as well. Before this fight, we had made plans to go to couple’s therapy and explore our anger together.)

So how do you reconcile your integrity with the fact that you sometimes just do not have control over your entire person? It’s not easy, I can tell you that. But it starts with honesty and a sincere apology. Unfortunately, I was not afforded the opportunity to apply those to this situation. My mom stepped in with her narcissistic savior complex juuuust as I was starting to calm down, and brought me to her house where I proceeded to spiral into the longest fugue state I have ever experienced. For nearly two weeks I was trapped at her house, not eating, not sleeping, and constantly panicked about absolutely everything.

It is a long and complicated story but I have group therapy with my mom tonight whom I haven’t spoken to in a month.

I have to fight for my integrity. I have to insist that Mother does not always know best and that her manipulation of the situation caused a giant rift between my now ex-fiance and I.

I have to insist that I know what is right for me and for my life and that, yes, her interference in my life has helped me out very much at times, but at what cost?

And I have to stand up for what I know is right and true. I will not let her gaslight me anymore and insist that her lies are the truth until I find out otherwise. I have to be strong and assertive and know when to walk away if my boundaries are not respected.

Because I have fucking integrity.

Leave a Reply